Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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