Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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