U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
