so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
