just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
