trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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