And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
