I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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