you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
