glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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