i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
