i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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