i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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