nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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