just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
