someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
