just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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