I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
