tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
