We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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