Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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