I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i dont even know how to be here
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
