Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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