I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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