I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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