the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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