Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
