i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
