You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
