even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
