Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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