Got a toothbrush?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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