I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
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