Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
