security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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