My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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