Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize