I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
