Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
