I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
