so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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