he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize