tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
