Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
