I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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