i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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