Acid is not a monday night drug
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
