Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
