Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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