why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
