she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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