I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize