Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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