Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
