I am spending my child support on dildos
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
