I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
